Selah’s Story

Saturday 23rd September 2017, I had just turned 41+1 weeks with our sweet girl. We had had a perfect day of shopping, going to our favourite coffee spot, Luke deciding to have his hair cut, as he wanted to feel and look great in the photos of when we first met our daughter, enjoying the sunny weather, walking, talking and getting dressed up and going out for dinner. It was the most perfect day. 

Sunday 24th September 2017, 2am and 5hrs after labour began, we were in the hospital being monitored, when the consultant spoke the words, ‘I am so sorry, your baby has died.’ 

The shock, disbelief and heartache was crippling. We cried, we prayed and we quite simply believed for a miracle to happen. 

The trauma had caused labour to halt. Contractions had stopped. We were sat being informed of the next steps, induction to encourage labour to pick up again, delivery, pain relief and meeting with bereavement midwives. Our minds were full, we were totally confused and couldn’t even begin to fathom what was actually happening. We had had an amazing pregnancy with no signs of anything being wrong. Our baby girl had been wriggling just moments before. What on earth had happened? How am I going to deliver our dead baby? Can I just wake up from this nightmare now? 

We walked through labour ward, to our own suite, hearing the healthy cries of newborns, parents FaceTiming family and friends announcing the arrival of their babes, young siblings screaming, ‘My baby brother is here!’ How was it that these families would be taking their babies home and we will be leaving for home, with our baby in the mortuary? We couldn’t get bitter. We celebrated and thanked God for the healthy babies we were seeing and hearing. We thanked God that these parents had their babes safely in their arms. We hoped that they knew how lucky they were to have their little ones. 

I laboured for around 20 hours before we asked for a cesarean. Contractions were coming moments apart but internally I wasn’t ready to deliver our baby. The midwives and consultants were telling us that there was no rush to deliver and that they could break my waters and give more medication to see if it would move things along. They had another 48hrs to work with. WHAT? I can’t do another two days. Physically? I could have gone on. Yes, labour is painful but I had my hypnobirthing techniques sorted and they were working so well for me but emotionally? Emotionally, I was done. We were done. My mind was going crazy and I honestly could not go any longer knowing that what followed was going to be the most difficult moment we’d ever have to face.

On the 25th of September 2017, our dream came true. We met our daughter. We finally got to see who she looked like, what her hair was like and find out how much she weighed. 

We finally got to hold our biggest dream in our arms. We got to kiss her, snuggle her and smell her cheeks. We danced with her, we sang to her and we took communion with her. We got to bath her and then snuggle her in a fluffy towel afterwards. On September 25th, Selah arrived. She was perfect in every possible way. She was 7lb 8oz of absolute perfection. Selah was born 10 days past due date and she was born soundly asleep. How was she not breathing? It didn’t even seem real that she wasn’t alive and wriggling in our arms. We were so overwhelmed with love and joy but those emotions were paired with disbelief, heartbreak and total devastation. Truly, the most intense combinations of emotions to ever experience. 

Selah, our beautiful little one, thank you for changing our lives. Thank you for giving us greater joy. Thank you for making sure we live life to the absolute fullest every day. Thank you for helping us dream bigger. You are so beautiful and so perfect and you will forever be the greatest, most significant and most treasured gift we have ever received. Sweet sweet girl, Mummy and Daddy love you.