Growing up through my early twenties the idea of fatherhood, fathering, being a dad, having children and being an equally responsible adult for the most part seemed as if it was something I’d probably do at some point, I just didn’t know when.
It’s not something you can properly plan, be ready for, fully understand or even have any idea whether you’d be good at it or not. Father’s Day was always something I either forgot or was reminded of the day before. I often wondered how people ever knew when it was every year. Was it word of mouth, the newspaper – I had no idea. All I knew growing up was it being a last minute scramble for the right greetings card the day before and maybe the odd gimmicky beer glass or humorous mug. I used to think when it was my turn I couldn’t imagine being into lawn mowers and power tools. I didn’t want to be that sort of D.I.Y type dad who tucked his shirt into his trousers and stopped looking cool! I figured Fatherhood was definitely for me but all the other things that came along with it would have to look different. Then my daughter was born.
As many of you know from the blogs my wife has been writing, our sweet daughter Selah, our first born died during labour at just under 42 weeks. She was beauty, she was magical, she was everything we dreamed and without even knowing it she did something really special. Something new, unprepared, scary and breathtaking all at once. She made me a dad.
For me it felt as if everything made sense for the first time. It felt as though I had forgotten everything that had gone before and that the only thing that mattered now was her. In an instant I fell in love with my new role as her dad because it meant my new role and primary sole purpose was to love her all the time. Within seconds I desired the tools, the man shed, the crappy dad beer glass and between us, I don’t think I would really mind tucking my shirt into my trousers if it meant thats what dads had to do!! She made me so full. Yet for dads like me, I was left so empty.
You see dads like me who bury their daughters go through one hell of a struggle and it’s quite interesting in many ways how much you change. Even for other dads who have experienced loss, disappointment and grief in various other ways – when it comes to losing a child either through separation, miscarriage, sickness, it really does change you. The way you feel about yourself, God, one another and in particular Fatherhood. I can only speak on behalf of my experience but for me I received a treasured perspective of simplicity, what matters most, the realness of God but most assuredly the purest motive, desire and heart of being a dad because sadly, like so many other dads, I knew the cost.
We’ve recently had a boy. Selah’s little brother Albert Luke. He’s the best and I’m so strangely proud of him over the smallest things he does whether its a burp after a long struggle or even eye contact. I couldn’t boast about him more and I just can’t get enough of him and its wonderful to have him around for my second fathers day. I still miss my little girl, my first born, my sweet princess and I can’t tell you how horrendous it is going into this spectacular day without her but I can tell you it still does make me proud.
Again, for dads like me this day isn’t or doesn’t feel like it’s about us in many ways. Or at least for me. I don’t feel particularly celebrated, although I know I am and I don’t feel like I’ve really done anything special to warrant anything remotely decent but what I do feel is this elated surge of deep affection for my children. To me it’s a celebration of them. It’s a celebration of how wonderful they are and an extending reminder of wonderful moments I’ve had with them. It’s them that matter to me on that day. Not myself!
So, growing up through my early twenties and thinking of fatherhood, fathering, being a dad, having children and being an equally responsible adult for the most part seemed as though it would probably be something I did at some point and I was right. There is no greater dream for a young man, and from me, there is no greater joy once you’re there.
Wow!