‘Mum Guilt’, yep, it’s still something a mother who has lost a child, experiences. I wasn’t expecting it to be a ‘thing’ but it is. It’s painful and it’s an emotion which shows it’s head very often.
Dare I say, we look forward to things again. After Christmas being a bit of a write-off last year, we’re like big kids again as we plan this Christmas!! We are already planning a big family holiday for next summer and we’re super excited for it. We have REALLY fun days and weekends where we laugh until our bellies hurt. We get into bed ridiculously early and binge-watch movies and stay in bed at the weekends and have breakfast in bed – it’s WONDERFUL!
But…stop!!
These fun moments often get over shadowed by the reality that Selah isn’t here. I wish we were planning Christmas this year, with the thought that Selah would be able to understand it all a bit more, as an 18month old, I wish we were getting into bed early, not watching movies, but just so we could catch a few winks before the night feeds/wake ups, I REALLY wish we were forced out of bed early every weekend to sort Selah’s breakfast out and then bring her back into bed with us for Saturday morning snuggles. I wish, I wish, I wish but, unfortunately, that’s all we get left with, wishes. Wishes that our lives were looking so different. Wishing that we didn’t feel guilty because we get to think about ourselves still, guilty that we can just plan whatever we want, without having to consider all the practicalities that would be involved with having our daughter here. IT SUCKS!
We’re so thankful to be feeling ‘well’ again, feeling so able to go and enjoy ourselves, to laugh and to dream again but, it feels like it comes with a cost. We’ve been encouraged it won’t feel this way forever. We’ll continue to navigate this emotion, and the guilt of looking forward to things, the guilt of dreaming of Selah’s future siblings. Truth is, as I’ve said before, we’re weaving her into EVERYTHING. She’s never forgotten. There’s not a single day that has gone past where we haven’t spoken of her or looked through some photos. She’s ALWAYS with us and our hearts will forever have a deep space that will be kept, only for her.
Love,
Claire xo
